drunk jokes

What's the difference driving in Malaysia and a newly wed couple ?

When driving, you try your best to avoid holes at the road.

But for a newly wed couple, you tend to aim them. You won't miss it !


hahaha... i just couldn't help laughing about it.

cheers

happy halloween

1. Malaysia doesn't celebrate halloween. It's kind of sad because that's the time you can 'trick or treat' and dress up as ghosts or vampires. Some more, this country has a database of ghosts that can rival any other country in the world, even Transylvania. FYI, the ghost or hantu database is so complete there's even a hantu stokin , or socks ghost. There's even hantu susu (milking ghost) and even hantu pocong ( i don't know how to translate it, but I wouldn't mess with them). I encountered a literature that has procured more than 300 types of ghosts in Malaysia.

2. Anyway, happy halloween. If you're going to a halloween party, I can suggest several ghastly idols that you can wear. Here is some of my suggestions:

a. Hedge Fund - a real scare if you go to a party filled with people working in banks
b. Credit card - enough to scare the living daylights of anybody.
c. Khairy Jamaludin - i dare you to wear this idol. it's so scary they'll even throw bricks at you, including me. I just hate him so much, the greedy, racist, politician. Fucking bitch wants to be the prime minister by 40. Got to cheek to be PM. Kiss my ass.

Enjoy yourself and cheers..

serabut

1. Serabut in English means disorganized. Usually in Malay it is used as an adjective, used to describe a person. A person with an unsystematic life can be described as serabut. Phrases such as, "You are so serabut, you know that" can barely a appropriate way to ditch a person. For me, I'd try to stay away from these people. I learned that from a hard way.

2. I was once acquainted with this chick quite some years ago, when I was just completed my studies. Fresh from college, I was full of energy that was always utilized for partying and drinking. There goes my contribution for society.

3. Back to the chick, I met her at a club (where else) where I was partying with my college mates some place in KL. She was with her friends and they sat next to my table. As a gentlemen, I offered them couple of drinks and they accepted it. They were quite loud, screaming and standing on their chairs. Not bad.

4. At the end of the session, we all exchanged our numbers in case we want to keep in touch. After some while, this particular chick text me asking me out. I knew this girl, she not exactly Jennifer Lopez but I guess it's allright. I'd guess it's okay to hang out with her. No harm done.

5. She drives a small compact car that describes her personality. So usually when we hang out I drive her along. We dated for a while.

6. It doesn't take long to discover her disparities. She's completely disorganized. I'd guess she changed jobs almost on a weekly basis, blaming management at fault except for her. I'd tried to empathize (and symphatize), but after losing jobs consistently for 7 times I think I have the liberty of making a conclusion. There's even one day she'd forgot where she works.

7. Another that was unattractive was that she absolutely idolizes her friends in absolute. From my observation, there's nothing outstanding about them. In fact they share the same characteristics inside out. They must had some sort of a union for serabut individuals like her, ie. Persatuan Serabut Semenanjung. Imagine one night, I had to drive more than 50 miles to pick up a friend just for a miserable drink and then send her back. In 3 in the morning, during working days. It was just too much. You'd normally do that in an occasion of death of a relative. I mean, which geography school of idiots she graduated from ? Then again I tend to be a bit passive and let her way through.

8. And not forgetting, she smokes like a fucking chimney. 5 packs per day, at minimum. Whenever I kissed her as though I was kissing a dude or an ashtray. I did not enjoy that entirely. Even though I advised her to control the addiction, she'd just doesn't care. So much for a free health advise.

9. Hygiene ? With that kind of personality, I'd prefer not to elaborate more. But in short, I was quite terrified to discover hairs in the most unwanted places. Especially during making out. I was barely keeping it hard throughout the whole time. Forget advising because with that kind of response I'll be expecting, I'd rather save my energy to be patient.

10. The one that snapped me out was she was a K and E junkie. Imagine 80% of the paycheck is invested to those skunks. Which school of finance she studied from, god knows. Every time she got stoned, her eyes looks as they they're going to pop out and she looked absolutely terrible. I'd rather date a makcik cleaner be her boyfriend. That's it, I'm bailing out. 5 months and I just couldn't take it anymore. For me, alcohol, women, weed, OK. But not drugs. Don't do drugs. Drugs are bad for you.

11. It was quite different when I broke up. She just laughed and say good riddance. I'd guess she just took a skunk prior of meeting me. I'd guess that helped to ease her pain. She is just so serabut, god bless her for that. I celebrated by having a tower beer in a kedai cina.

12. Don't date a serabut. It's just going to make your life more serabut that it already is.

cheers and have a nice weekend..

my name is pratab

1. Hello, my name is Pratab. I'm a good friend of the author in this blog. He seems quite a nice guy. I suppose I had to thank him for giving this opportunity to share my stories in his blog.

2. To tell you the truth, I was quite reluctant to share my stories. This is because I'm quite shy. But he has been encouraging me to share my talents so that it could inspire people. I guess I'm quite flattered by his invitation. He told me I have very nice stories to tell, and admittedly I do have some.

3. Some people told me I live up to my name. I don't know why, maybe it has got to do something with a story in which I'll share shortly.

4. Some time ago, I met this girl in a club that I've always go to. This is the club to check out hot chicks. The live band played great music, and the DJ i suppose it's okay. It's always full and packed, especially during pay days and weekends. Fridays and Saturdays are definitely the best time to come. When the DJ spin their songs, the ladies come up to the dancefloor and shaking their ass in the most fashionable movement.

5. I can say I was quite lucky because every time I hit the dancefloor, chicks were always around me and I'll be fronting them all the time. There's one occasion where this chick cheekily slip up her hands into my pants. What a welcoming gesture. I couldn't ask for more even though I should.

6. Coming back to this girl I referred to earlier, she was different. She doesn't dance that much, only when her favorite tune is up. She looks fantastic, especially with purple tube and ass fitting jeans. She has the nicest ass, as round as a teacup. I wanted to say hye to her but as I'm a very shy person, I had to withdraw the intent.

7. Luckily my paycheck is today. I opened a Chivas bottle to get started. Couple of shots and I'm already loose. I gained some confidence. Then I approached her.

8. Strangely, she approached me. She was fidgeting. I think she was drunk. She asked me whether she can join for a drink and dance with her. How lucky can I get. It's like orang mengantuk disorongkan bantal. At that time it was only 215 am and I got the whole time with her.

9. Even though she's drunk and fidgeting, she doesn't look that bitchy, or cheap. She was very in control of herself, she spoke excellent English, and very cultured. She was not definitely the kind of rempit chick you met in a cheap disco. I'd guess she must be educated. Educated chicks are hot, especially when they're loose. I have the hots for them.

10. Eventually we drank and danced. She knows her moves and know how to groove with the music. Our chemistry was excellent, and we danced it's as though nothing cared. Stopped checking out other chicks and all I can focus to was her. Time passed really fast.

11. We got really hot, and I'd guess she felt the same way too. I asked her if she's going anywhere after this, but then she replied that she had to sent her friends home. I was quite disappointed in a some way, but that was okay. Nevertheless I gave my cell number in case she wanted to call me.

12. I was quite tipsy, but I was in control. The clubs were about to close and I managed to finish up my bottle. I decided to head back home but before that, I want to have a short coffee with my mates.

13. Suddenly, as I was approaching my car, she was there. I hardly believed that she parked next to me. She opened her window, and asked me if I wanted to have some coffee with her. She somehow canceled sending her friends back as they had other plans. So I decided to ride with her , obviously. Furthermore, she drives a nice car. A myvi. What a practical car.

14. I offered her to drive her back and she agreed. Upon our way back, we were already kissing all over in her cute myvi and we just had to finish it. The automatic transmission really helped because I can concentrate my hands to somewhere else. This is a really practical car.

15. She asked me if there's any place to crash. I replied that I may be have one, but she just had to follow me. So I brought her to my bedroom and continued our unfinished business in multilateral positions. Top, down, left and right I geosteered her in any angle possible. And then, in one particular position that has kind of, interested me. It was just any typical doggy position, except with the 'tab', 'tab' sounds as I went faster. Then I got kind of inspired which has changed my life and I said to her:

'Tab, tab, tab, my name is Pratab...'.

I'd guess that's when I started to like my name.

hehehe.. cheers..

cock talk

1. i support manchester united. they're the best team at the moment. i've been supporting them for more than 10 years since my arrival from the states. it's because of them i started playing football again apart from basketball.

2. i think the height of manchester united is during the cantona era. Cantona was king then. He was so good, not even cristiano ronaldo could match his legendary status. I even had my school trousers' tailored by the trademark of Cantona-7 at Sungai Wang. Back then, it was definitely the 'in' thing to have, just like the i-pod or the PSP. You're not cool if you don't sport a cantona-7 product. Aweks don't dig you out without the label.

3. Bought at wheeler dealer price from Blackburn (i think around 10 mill pounds), I can say that's the bargain of the century. That's a piss pay compared to the latest football transfers now.

4. Perhaps his ultimate contribution that led him to legendary status was to wrest back the premiership title and Man Utd became regulars in the champions league. It's the only english club that has ever achieved the treble, winning the EPL, FA, and most importantly the Champions league title.

5. Being a football fan for 10 years has a bit changed me a bit. During the early times seems that all opinions are biased to Man Utd. Even now, if you encountered a die-hard fan of Arsenal or Liverpool, they are just going to say their team is the best. I've observed lately the fans are becoming more mature, and their opinions are much honest and dare to criticize their own team's weakness and strengths as well.

6. So what do I think of the current football situation right now ? I think it's going a bit of a downside. There's too much money invested. Players' transfers' costs is equivalent to a small country's annual income. That's going to attract wrong kind of party. With the economic turmoil right now, it has become increasingly uncertain what would happen in the future.

7. Look at Man Utd. right now. Their major sponsors are the AIG, or the American Insurance Group. If I can recall, during the start of the economic crisis, AIG was on the verge of bankruptcy. This is due to the 'hedge fund' crisis that has lead the American economy to face the worst recession since the Great Depression in 1930's. What I worry, is that , if there's no sponsors, the club can't pay the player's wagers, and the players tend to leave the club, and ultimately would kill the game in totality.

8. Indirectly, I can correlate with the economic crisis and the football scene. In summary, if the economy goes bad to worse, we can expect the football scene to become chaotic. Worst, live coverage won't be available as TV companies are expected to pay a huge cost to finance and cushion high debts to the club. It's a sad situation.

cock talk

1. I'm a pro-choice person. That means I do what I want to do. At this position I would have known what will be the aftermath upon a choice that has been taken. Whether it'll be good or otherwise that's a totally different story.

2. I believe in judgment. Given a situation, I would guess that we would have act upon a judgment that has been taken. Even though it's for good or immoral, we would have taken it after given a considerable amount of consideration.

3. It's a bit annoying when it's forbidden when we want to do something. They say it's bad, it's not good, it'll lead you to future complications. Oh fuck it, I think I deserve a liberty to do what I want to do.

4. Take cigarettes for example. The current government is relentlessly trying to hike up the prices under the justification of reducing the bad habits of the people. That is what I find, idiotic. We are fully aware of the consequences, thank you. Don't have to remind us more than that.

5. Smoking is good I dare say. Smoking fosters friendship. Smoking is the only common domain that bridges beyond race and creed. It's the one of the only way to start a descent conversation. Conversations such as "Do you have a light, " or "You got a ciggie" is an honest start. Nothing provocative, nothing offensive.

6. I'd say, instead of banning or enforcing to reduce smoking, encourage it. Yes, we are aware of the health complications, but hey, we don't live forever. Instead of stopping, educate on how to control the addiction. Smoke with style. Smoking with etiquettes and panache. The art of having a fine smoke.

reader's discretion

1. I've been tempted to say that all the things that I've wrote is exactly spinning in my mind. I just write what I felt, without any holds barred. This is not one of those RPK blogs, but to tell you the truth, I'm kind of inspired by his writing.

2. To readers, i just want to say that whatever I write is , is, as it is . You may observe several grammatical or spelling errors, and several languages I've wrote is a bit crude.

3. I'm sorry if I don't include any pictures. I just feel that the mind can illustrate an imagination on its own, depending how the author describes a subject. I will be try to be more vivid and a bit abstract later in the future.

4. Anyhow, I'm more than excited to share my thoughts in the future.

mankind's greatest achievement

1. It has not been raining in the klang valley for the past 2 days. It has been hot. In fact, bloody hot. I've been around town and managed to found that the peak temperature has been up to 34 degrees centigrade.

2. What sins have I done to deserve this. Not only I was sweating like a dog, it has also spoiled my new armani exchange shirt and jeans I've bought. Now I've got to wash it again.

3. Malaysia is a tropical country. It's a hot and humid country that rains almost everyday. It's like London, but a bit cooler. But for the past few years it has been not only hot that is centigrades closer to hell.

4. If the temperatures in near future raises up to 38 degrees, this would pose a fatal problem. Enzymes would deactivate at this temperature and stops functioning. Death would be so close that you won't realize it. Anyhow, it'll be a good thing. More people dying means less traffic. And that means I can go to work faster, and I can do my errands without facing the congestion ordeal.

5. This is what we had to face in pursuit of development. This is the sacrifice we had to undertake so that we can have what people termed it as "civilization". You can't have everything.

6. From here, I can sum it up that mankind's greatest achievement is not the invention of wheel. Nor fire, electricity, airplanes, or such. Mankind's greatest achievement is making the world a hotter place. From a geological context, this is the kind of achievement that would have prevented the next Ice Age.

my 2nd girlfriend

1. I love my second gf. She always look hot in red and black. She doesn't talk much. And she's always be there when I need her. And, most importantly she doesn't mind me ferrying other girls with her.

2. I met her couple of years back, when I was posted in an petrochemical plant. Truthfully, it's not actually love in the first sight. She was a standard, normal looking girl. If I can assign it to a Malay, she'd be wearing a descent tudung with green baju kurung. Nothing more, nothing less. A nice round ass, closest.

3. But then, in hesitation, I took her. In all honesty as a recommendation from someone. And, when I accepted her, she was not entirely in good condition. But, as good gf's, she's always try to deliver her best. I took straight back to my place 360 km away.

4. As a student back then, and with limited pocket money, you could not do very much with the leftovers. Datings are always moderate. Nothing much that she and I can indulge. But one thing about her, she hates competition. If there's anything in sight, she'll run it over even though it'll ruin her at the end of the day.

5. I guess, throughout my relationship with her, she became a little bit naughty. This is because I managed to pamper her that costs me several hundreds ringgit upon completion of my training there. She became nasty. I like. I'd call her , "she devil". I've even tattooed her body with a devil wearing skirts. She's starting to look hot.

6. And so, when I go clubbing and picking up nice ladies, she's always be there. Sometimes we'd do threesome and she can just go on and on and on. Ah, what memories.

7. I'd travel everywhere with her. She's alright. She doesn't complain much. As long the basic elements are fulfilled, it's enough to make her happy.

8. As soon I got my job as an reservoir engineer, I decide to pamper her a bit. She's okay with it. In fact, she starts to look better. She even sounds better. I gave her some nice dark accesories and it's making heads turn. She's like a "mary jane" in me. Give me some gong, girl.

9. One bad night we were both caught by an enforcement officer. They found out several offensive things and slapped me with a huge fine. I was offended and sad of course. She had to undergo rehab and she became very different.

10. As times went on, I noticed that she's starting to become a little bit sick. I was quite worried because without her, my life would be useless. I'm half dead without her. I can't do my things. I had to do something for her.

11. Finally, I have saved up a huge lot for her recovery. I'd sent her to a specialist so that she can be reborn. It's not pretty, it's going to be a big pain and she'll never be the same again. But, I was very excited and optimistic.

12. She looked great after her makeover. She looks fantastic and sexy in red. She's like a porn star. I love her. From a descent tudung girl to a hot porn star. What an achievement.

13. Not enough, I decided her to give an upgrade. Perhaps this is the most expensive upgrade I've ever done. Nevertheless, I am very determined to get her done. Again, I've sent her to a specialist for a huge makeover. You're going to look great, baby.

14. As expected, she is in her prime after her makeover. With her it's like having an orgasm. She's faster, more furious, more noiser, and shamelessly agressive. Every time when I had it with her I'd be very tired. But it's allright, I was very, very satisfied. She'll run like a rat to your shoulders.

15. I'd take anywhere with her then. She still doesn't mind if I dated another girl at the same time. In fact, she doesn't mind if I had sex with her watching. She's a role model to women worldwide.

16. If you're wondering whom I referring to, well, I'm afraid it's going to be a bit disappointing. I think it's better I leave to the readers to figure it out.

cheers

sometimes not enough is just suffice (aug 2008)

This is an archive blog of mine, dated a while ago. Viewers @ reader discretion as the language I've used is quite vulgar. Peace.

1. I just had a short but a pleasant conversation with a group of people not a long time ago. It was quite a junior bunch, just bunch of people just got hired in a job.

2. In a certain way, they reminded of me of how i am when i was newly hired. All full with hope, ambition, and idealistic expectation. They even thought it's a fullfilling dream. It was truly a nice phase to go to. Nice and colorful phase, with no significant problems or whatsover. It was presumed that this must be the joys of entering the working life.

3. They were talking of ideal subjects, to be promoted within a short period of years, welcoming the opportunities given to them, and all the working privileges they going to enjoy. It's all nice ice cream talk with a cherry on top.

4. As I witnessed them, I started thinking, what piece of fucked up reality they're going to face with. I'm just giving them couple of months to face the , fuckup reality. It's really that hopeless.

5. Worse still, the problem of these bunch is that they thought they are so big. Some of them were arrogant. Because of the position they have, (and it's not a big deal anyway) they must be fed with a silver spoon in their mouth and tolerate nothing less. It's all bullshit to me.

6. I can be considered lucky because I didn't start like that. In fact, my starting point is so difficult, that my quality of living is worse than I were a student. It's difficult to live in a city that can be so, so cruel. I was treated like a house nigger. Being broke, un-respected, is not something anyone to cope with.

7. Perhaps being treated as a house nigger and not being appreciated, has made me a bit more determined, and preserved than most of them. During that time, I just tell myself, "I'm not going to be treated in this shit anymore. Fucking arrogant gov't servants, you smalltime fuckers are not going to mistreat me anymore." It was more similar like that. Then I started to work real hard, apply more jobs, and at the same time learn some academics while having the free time.

8. Eventually a job offer came to me. It was not exactly what I wanted, but it's much better than before. Then I realized that I really got to make this work. So my first assignment or project was to see this failed project to a success. That's when I started having a bit of ideal thoughts.

9. I have tried to see things in a positive perspective to the extent that I did not see the losses of it. It's so difficult, getting the understanding itself requires years of working experience. Expectations were high, and pressure started to fill up real fast. "I'm going to be fucked up, how am i going to make this fucking thing work ? " . Realizing after 5 months of to capture the understanding, i just came to a conclusion where this assignment is way too ahead and too difficult for me.

10. The lesson i would probably learn is that sometimes it's good to be realistic in an optimistic way. There's a reason something got fucked up. But no matter how fucked up it is, in the end there's something to gain for. So, I applied for another assignment and again, this is a fucked up project. Unfortunately I was so stubbon to accept the fact that this project is again a fucked up project.

11. Nevertheless, it's kind of a fucked project I want to invest my career on. This would definitely pave my way to the future, even though I don't know how. Nobody guided me, I'm all alone and without any motivation or resources. I remained my preserverence and have the blind belief that this will work eventually.

12. Indeed, my gamble paid off. I got offered with a new team, and even though it's a same project, the scenario is much, much better. I was quite fucking glad because it was so much better that it's the best in the country. I never had such a fucking determination, and so much fucking grateful that all the sufferings would eventually paid off in such an elegant way.

13. Truth is, karma does exist. What you have suffered, eventually of what you learn you will benefit and use it in your future opportunities. This is not a fucking motivation talk, but whatever fuck you're doing make sure you get it done to the bone. Nobody should stop you and if there are, tell them to fuck off.

14. Perhaps the only problem is for those who does not know how to appreciate might have repeatedly gone over the same suffering again. Or they did not realize, or worse, they just accept getting fucked is a fucking fate.

sin tax

1. I'm a regular guy. As they say, boys would be boys. I would tend to do what guys normally do. I could not say that I'm a good person, nor a bad one. I share the same typical habits, etc. It all written in my DNA.

2. I'm going to write about boozing. Why booze ? Well, all normal blokes do. We do it, but not to the extend of overdoing it. The first issue about boozing is that it's becoming more and more expensive. It's stupid and I blame politics for it.

3. I can still recall that a bottle costs no more than RM200 back then. Now it's more than RM300. RM380 would get you a measly small Jack Daniels in a club. What has the world gotten into.

4. I working on a pay check. In a country where labor is cheap, there's not much I can get my hands onto. I had to study and work hard so that I can secure myself a professional position in hoping for better pay. Unfortunately, even in a professional arena we are paid lower than any other developing country in the world. Even a golf caddy earns better than me. How absurd.

5. So, in the pursuit of getting a booze, I had to share with couple of friends who shared a common inspiration. A bottle for 5 blokes is just adequate. RM50 had been enough per person to get ourselves wasted. Now, with the sin tax has raised, we had to fork out more than RM80 for a decent whiskey. Such travesty should have never been occurred. Seems that we are paying more and getting less.

6. I blame politics and government for this one. Sure, they can just rise up the tax so that it will contain people's bad habits. This is bullshit. We are slowly developing to a mature society, and we know how to control our habits. Look at Amsterdam. Even drugs are legal, their society are much more developed than ours.

7. Alas, for blokes out there, they only place you can source for cheap booze are duty-free shops. I'll be you're not that intellectually challenged enough to locate one. Nevertheless, booze can be really cheap out there whereas a bottle of Jim Beam costs only RM28. That's right, RM28. Even my phone bills is more expensive than that.